I was planning to post "I'm back, baby!" and then continue to use this site as I have years ago, but honestly, with the state of the site, I cannot really use it as my main site. It'll just be for archival purposes, basically.
Oh, I'll keep uploading stuff here as I make it. I'll keep an eye on the people who I watch, but I'm gonna have to find another platform to be my 'main' for uploading art, especially if I want to advertise myself for any kind of professional work.
That will probably have to be twitter, which I've been avoiding for years because I believe it is a horrible place. Sadly, I probably have no choice. I think I'll keep twitter 100% professional only and use this place and discord for more substantial talk.
for any new watchers seeing this post, this probably will not mean a whole lot to you. Unless you're particularly curious about my ramblings, you can feel free to skip it.
So, this isn't an excuse, but I'll start by looking at what got me drawing and posting in the first place and why I didn't do it for years. It's hard for me to overstate how important certain niche communities have been for my art journey, as I like to call it.
My other big influnce, of course, were tabletop RPG's. DnD at first and, more recently, Lancer. I think even earlier back there's RWBY and the fanfics of author Coeur Al'aran.
I believe storytelling was always a big part of my making art. Possibly even the center of it. Almost every illustration or even sketch I ever did has had some kind of narrative behind it. That must've been at least part of the reason why I was drawn to airfortress- of course the tight nit community is the other big draw. Airfortress isn't huge, it doesn't have a bajillion fans but honestly, every single person there is an excellent human being.
I was already drawing some stuff when I joined that group, but AF made me take drawing seriously.
it seemed like a natural progression from there to try to make my own artwar, fantasy themed, because I felt like there was some demand for it. That's why deathband happened. This was also me taking my first stab at game design. In retrospect, there were other ways to learn game design principles.
I woudn't say Deathband 'failed' per se. Yeah, the actual game mechanics were horrible, NGL, and I had very little idea of where to take the setting, but it spawned some amazing ideas and great art (none of them my own). If anything, I feel like I let down the Deathband group. I gave them a lot of expectations and they put a lot of faith in me, and work on it too, but ultimately I failed to deliver on anything even halfway decent. This isn't the end of this, tho, more on that later.
What Deathband did make me do is write. I wrote, well, not a lot, but it did feel like a lot at the time because I wasn't really used to writing. and I also started doing other forms of art besides visual. I began writing a novel, writing worlds and stories for my games. I also wrote the rules for Airfleet: commander and began that whole shebang (again, more on that later)
A lot of things happened in my real life. it's almost a cliche for milennials to say they're depressed, but fucking hell, in retrospect I really was depressed at a point. I wasn't great before all that but it got a lot worse. I used to think depression was a mental illness and of course my brain was fine so I couldn't possibly be depressed.
Then I started reading on the subject and watching a few vids and, uh, yeah, I had a lot of the symptoms. IDK if I had 'real' depression or whatever, but fuck it, I was crying myself to sleep every other day, clearly that's fucked up. I just couldn't function properly, I felt like a horrible failure of a human being, I felt everything was my fault, I felt immense external pressure and could not find the motivation to do anything.
Just the knowledge of that alone helped me a ton, in a way I cannot fully explain. While I wouldn't say I'm perfect now, I still hold many insecurities, I do feel better than I have felt in years with regards to my mental health. Funny enough, one of the signs is actually starting stuff and not finishing it. That explains a lot.
So, I decided on two things: 1) I would not start any more goddam projects 2) advance the stuff I've already started to a point I could feel comfortable leaving it done. Not necessarily with a grandiose conclusion, but a point that it no more is the promise of a thing but an actual thing.
You remember the past and imagine the future, but you only live in the present.
The only real defining quality of 'now' is that you're experiencing it, so in this section I will be talking about my mindset, the immediate future and the recent past.
I'd say a big problem for me is both having multiple projects open at a time and also doing one thing at time. I cannot focus properly or manage my time adequately. So I gotta work on my time management skills first of all.
both drawing and writing consume my creative energy but I noticed that they do it in different ways.
Writing is intensive for me. Drawing can be too, but writing is hardly ever relaxing in the same way painting can be. I can listen to a podcast or audio-book while I paint perfectly fine, but obviously not while writing.
In the future, I will be drawing AND writing, depending on how much 'energy' I have. Instead of having one thing at a time and forcing myself to finish it, I will have 2 or 3 (hard limit 3) and do the one I feel best at doing at that moment. I will also make it so that I always have projects of different types.
I know this sounds like it should make me less productive and I really should force myself to do things, but I see it in a different light- before I had a spiral of "Cannot finish X thing -> feel bad about it -> get depressed -> no motivation -> cannot finish X thing" I am more aware of this mental trap now and I want to avoid it.
My motivation will be getting things out of the way so I can start on something else. when I don't feel like writing I will draw, when I don't feel like drawing I will write. Instead of feeling bad about not being productive in something I will be productive elsewhere. Hopefully it works out.
Now I'm gonna talk about projects that I have open and ones I finished recently.
so, this image was loose end I had to tie. fucking hell it felt good to
These other pictures were also a series of linearts I finished and that I needed to find the time to colour
so, those were actually smaller scale things I had to do. most of my other projects (some are in DA, some are not) are grander in scale, which makes finishing them harder.
in no particular order.
>Airfleet: commander
so, this is the airfortress tactics game I made originally just as some fun to have on roll 20. at some point we tried to scale it into a whole 3d printing operation which might've been a bit too ambitious. Even a digital port would be too much. I think the best would be to scale it into a rulebook with some rules that can be tested and some 2D paper minis that can be printed and folded into shape. This is a project that I have the ability to do with my current skillset and no external help.
right now it's hard for me to say what % done I am with it now. publishing it would require rulebook in english, but I will probably also have to make a spanish version if I wanna test it where I live IRL.
All I need is time and, later on, some playtesters.
the airfleet rules have to be revamped for the new game mechanics
nicely presented rulebook PDF with pretty pictures should be made. This would be a prototype for a printed book.
printable paper minis should be tested
I also want to include about 100 pages of lore, which, trust me, airfortress can absolutely fill.
The final result should be a product that can be expanded uppon, but also stand on it's own two feet and it would be something I'd feel comfortable selling. Do expect more airfleet art in the future.
>Hollow GLOry
This is a science fiction novel that I'm writing. I was stuck for a while but now I have a clear path for what to write, it's just a lot of work since I need to rewrite a lot of it and it's demotivating to have to do so. it's about 50% done. once I finished it I want to publish it in some form so that I can claim to be a published novelist. I will probably have to publish independently, IDK if any publishing houses would want to take it.
I also don't know if I want to do art for it. I can't explain it, but I want to commission someone else to do the cover, so when I finish the book I'll save up money for that and do it.
>Deathband
This is a complicated one I have the dreaded writeup for the yangdo crisis and have for quite a while now. those in the deathband discord already know that situation so I won't go over it again.
There's significant work that needs to be done for me to leave deathband in a place I'm comfortable with. I very much don't want to generate any kind of hype around this as it would be detrimental in this stage.
I need to make a more clear guide to the eras of the world, tech levels, etc, including a solid timeline to make everything more coherent. I don't feel comfortable inviting other people to collaborate into this setting if I don't give them something solid to build off of.
I started writing rules for a deathband TTRPG. currently it's technichally playable, but it's not very good right now. I will probably just put it for free as open source somewhere. Making my own RPG and running it is definetly on my list of 'things to do before I die'. This RPG will also include a good 'ol section of lore.
>pirate adventure story I've got a draft. work on this isn't entirely up to me as it is something I'm doing together with a relative who is an artist too. It's going to be an adventure novel and we already have a plot outline, the problem is that we're working out what our target audience. we plan to illustrate it, but to what degree... it's hard to say. for now I'm also waiting for them to be available.
>Pilgrim dock: Da'Aris
Lore thing for a lancer group. shouldn't take me too long, probably a couple of afternoons. Won't be publishing here.
>sky's the limit
Lancer campaign I'm running. it is also the setting where these originate from
The reason why this even is in the list is that I'll probably make more art for it. I might also compile all the lore into something, but I'm not putting any effort into that, just control c and control v all that when the campaign ends. Definitely expect more mechs in this style as I find them quite fun to do. >big DnD poster
Big art project to do a movie poster-like illustration for a dnd campaign I've been playing in for 2+ years. It's gonna be a lot of work, but fun work. This project will require that I learn a few new skills. will definitely publish here.
>Airfortress: hijjia rework So, the last run of airfortress made me think about hijjia a bunch. some time ago krewzt worked on in and we got the kid pope out of that, although in terms of general aesthetics it wasn't really what rava and van expected. I believe Hijjia has got some untapped potencial.
I got some ideas of what I want that country to be, which isn't exactly what was envisionned so far.
My goal with this particular project is to produce an illustrated PDF document similar to the lore showcases I did for deathband. Stylistically it will be very different from those and will not use an in-universe narrator. It will also be much longer than those and incorporate coloured art.
I plan to publish it here when I'm done. This is also something that I want to incorporate into Airfleet: Commander
>the other project
we don't talk about this one
so, what am I working on right now?
right now my two 'in progress' projects are some more airfleet art for the drawing portion and the pilgrim dock thing for the writing, because I really want to be done with that.
following those I'll do some more mech art and I'll do at least two chapters of my novel + the rewrites that I need to.
I have learned that there are lessons that cannot be taught. There's wisdom in the world that simply hearing won't make you learn it. I'd go on a limb and say that is the case with most of what we call 'wisdom'. how many times have you heard "life advice" or similar and it actually changed your life? yeah, not even once.
I knew everything in this section since I was a kid, but it took me much longer to learn it. You probably already know everything in this post too.
I'm 25. assuming I live to 100, and that is generous age, I have already burned away 1/4th of my life. I get only 3 more of these till I pass away?
That's kinda terrifying, because honest, my life didn't feel that long, and I know as you age time seems to go by faster.
I think in some regards I developed much later than I should've. Like, I didn't seriously start with art until like 2014. I was 16 or 17 at the time. most people start a few years younger. I also spent much of my younger years alone and so I missed on making a lot of the childhood memories most people have.
But, as much anguish as that has caused me, there's no use crying over spilled milk, as they say.
I think the reason why I feel like my life has been so short is that I don't feel like I started really living until like 3 ago, more or less when I stopped posting here. not saying there's a coorelation there, but that period of like 2 months absolutely just fucking shattered me and by the time I had put myself together I have become an entirely different human being.
I look at the me before that as a complete stranger. If I could go back in time and try my life again I'd do everything different. I don't think that would be true if you asked me 5 years ago, because back then I believed I could do nothing wrong.
that's just what growing up does to you.
There's an an anime short film that I fucking love. It's called tailenders and it has a 6.7 on MAL. But it holds a special place in my heart.
I cannot remember when it was that I saw it for the first time, but I've rewatched it since more or less every year. It came out in 2009 BTW. Please watch it and then come back. it's 24 minutes long and you can probably find it on you tube or something.
spoilers, BTW, from this point on.
It has a very cliche message, typical anime stuff, but I think the way that it is presented and the fact that it has a bittersweet ending just really made it stick to me. Just like the terraformer, life always throws us new and different challenges, and we have to learn to change, adapt, evolve, to meet them.
but it's not about 'adapt or die' like we often see in other media, but rather it's about the more you evolve, the further you can go. In tailenders you don't die if you don't participate in the race, you just live in the city, and you still have to adapt, but to the world that happens
The racers, on the other hand, have to adapt to the terraformer because...they got there. they had the skill and willingness to reach the final strip. And that's where the genius part is, the final stretch is infinite. They don't say it, but it's almost implied.
And yeah, if your goal is "get better" you have an infinite goal. you will never stop getting better, but that doesn't mean that you are destined to fail because the goal cannot be reached, rather that how much you adapt and how far you make it is directly related to how much you change as a person.
the terraformer wasn' just changing the planet, it was changing the people, and the hero of the story doesn't cling to his pride as a human like you would expect to see in a western property, the hero embraces change and evolves.
"I'm not the man I was when I started the race, I'm not even the same as one second ago"
And that's what I want to say: we are always growing up, the future is always coming. Don't cling to some idea you had before about who you are. Embrace your own change as a human being. Seek it out.
Don't change because the environment demands it. Don't change into whatever happenstance demands. Change because you want to. Change into something that you decide.
but don't stay the same, because nobody is perfect.